A girl and her cat take on the world with nothing more than a cup of tea and a good book and enough dreams to fill the universe.

Paralyzing, Exciting Change

Occasionally, we come to points in our lives where we have to make really big, really scary decisions. We can see our lives going one way or another and thinking about the different directions makes our heart pump a little faster and our excitement rises and we are terrified. I have been thinking, for over a year now, about my science endorsement. I love science. I want to be part of the science education talk and reform like I want to be part of the English education reform. Yet, science is holding me back. To get my science endorsement, I would have to stay in school for one more year and my scholarship would run out. I am tired of going to classes and doing homework, jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop. I want to have a real job, with a salary. I want to have a classroom. I want to have students. When I work with students with the after school program or with the students I tutor, I know I’ve picked the right profession. I want to be a teacher and, at risk of sounding like a petulant child, I want to be a teacher now.


I did it. I dropped my science endorsement. I double, triple checked that I would be able to come back and finish this up. I have five classes I need to take and I can take them anywhere, at anytime. I can pick up the few credits when I go back to get my master’s. I am still terrified. I stared at my computer screen for hours last night, neglecting my homework and my other responsibilities, thinking about this choice. The form was filled out. I had checked the boxes. I only needed to click submit. Isn’t it funny that we can change our lives with the click of a single button. A single, exhilarating, paralyzing click and I changed my world. I graduate in one year now. In May of next year, I will be getting my degree and setting out to teach abroad. My life is going to start.


Though I have never been bungee jumping or sky diving, I can imagine that this is a bit like what it feels like as you stand on the edge, looking down, knowing it’s now or never. You have to trick yourself to leap out, to take a chance, knowing that a whole host of things could go wrong. You know it could be the end, yet you do it anyway. That’s how I felt last night as I clicked that submit button. I’m going forward and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was looking back a little, but I’m focused on the future. I’ve set my course and though I am so scared, I am ready. I am thrilled.


To all of you who are at the crossroads where change confronts you, take the leap. Do what makes you happy. Do what will bring you joy, knowing that the road may not always be easy. Take a risk. Step off the cliff and feel yourself fly.


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One comment on “Paralyzing, Exciting Change

  1. Pingback: Sunday Salon: A Round-up of Online Reading | the dirigible plum

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